Let’s take a break from the flashbacks.

The day is coming to an end, and I must put words together to sound interesting enough where people want to read through the whole thing, possibly maybe to inspire another. I would be lying if I said I am up for the task. Truth is that life has swooped me up in its big hairy fists. My days are a never-ending stream of “to do” lists yet never anything for myself. I do struggle with “self-care”; I don’t even know myself anymore.

Most days I don’t know who this strange withering lady is that stares back at me when I pass a window or look into a mirror. I don’t know how I got here. One minute I am a 20-year-old with a whole life ahead of her, next minute I’m grandma with bags under my eyes the size of a duffle bag. Time is tricky, slippery, and yet the most important thing of all. Something we spend carelessly, and freely. Never knowing when our last minute will appear. When the last time we get to see our loved ones will be. I took time for granted; don’t we all when we are young?

Now, over 4 decades into this life I am beginning to see how fleeting life is, how precious, how much of a blessing it is to wake up each day with a long “to do” list and the ability to accomplish it. I remember the days when I was bedridden in pain, praying to just not wake up. On those days the only thing I could do was bellow and beg. Those were dark moments in my life, tormented mentally from my past and physically falling apart. I am lucky that I found my way out. Knowing where I came from makes it hard for me to slow down and smell the roses. I am making up for lost time. 

Yes, things are not easy, not glamorous, but they certainly are blessings. No one ever said the meaning of life is to be happy (its 42, iykyk), I truly believe my purpose is to serve others. My family, friends, strangers, animals can all count on me doing whatever I can to help them on their journey here. Which is the opposite of who I was 9 years ago. Back then my ONLY concern was getting as fucked up as I possibly could with the hopes that it was my last day here.

When my clock stops ticking and it’s time to leave this planet, I hope I leave a memory of love, and kindness behind. Always remember that no matter what you have, it is a blessing to simply have breath in your lungs.