Last time I left you I was at a mini meltdown moment.

Life can be challenging when you handle responsibilities for others, and sometimes obstacles appear unexpectedly. In such situations, people may feel exhausted and uncertain. Addressing past experiences like abandonment, assault, and maltreatment requires significant effort. Many people face similar challenges. However, the world offers positive experiences once difficulties are overcome, allowing us to appreciate better moments.

The key is staying around long enough to see them. 

That is where I failed a couple times. Back in my early 20s I found myself too weak to continue living with the torment in my head. I failed there too, because I am still here alive and breathing. For a while, failing a suicide attempt made me feel even worse, I couldn’t even do that right. But I didn’t foresee the future in store for me. I didn’t see the 6 future kids that were going to need me. They are the reasons I breathe today; without them there’s zero chance I’d be here. 

After my first failed attempt I turned to alcohol HEAVILY. Alcohol made the voices stop, made the pain disappear. Opiates didn’t take over my life till after my first surgery. I still remember my first IV Morphine experience. My god NOTHING mattered. Nothing but continuing that numb bliss. 

I was a victim of the opiate epidemic. Yes, I am a chronic pain sufferer with DDD, and sciatica damage however, the amount of RX they gave me you would’ve thought I was a fatal case. Ultimately the “gravy train” ended and I was left in severe withdrawal. To the streets I went. It started with buying pills but that didn’t last long considering how incredibly expensive they were. Insert heroin. Heroin consumed my soul; it was an addiction unlike any I have ever experienced before. It seeds itself into your psyche where everything in life revolves around it. I have done horrible things, all in the name of heroin.

I know “junkie” is a frowned upon term, for me it is exactly what I was. I would steal, lie, and cheat, all to score. And then after I’d do those horrible things I would sit in the bathroom, tears pouring down my face as I stuck that needle in. I truly didn’t want to use it, but I had to. I saw no other choice. Honestly recovery wasn’t even an option at that point, I was too far gone. 

I think back on those times and certainly cannot recognize who the hell that demon was. It seemed to have happened so quickly, it was actually years. I freely handed over 10 years of my life, tormenting my family because I was tormented myself. Finding kratom when I did was a happenstance. 

It wasn’t planned, no deep research, I had just seen it in reddit posts, but I knew very little about it. I saw the bags behind the counter at a gas station and grabbed one. I was only there for gas on my way to meet up with my dealer. That was 9 years ago, I never met him, I went home instead. In the beginning of my kratom journey I was terrified, but this was my last hope. Rehab didn’t work, prison didn’t work, NA/AA didn’t work, subs/methadone didn’t work. I was at the end. It was kratom or continue using. 

In that Sunoco parking lot, I took some capsules and chose to go home and see if this worked. I am happy to report it worked for me. It gave me a life I could never have seen even in my dreams. Today when I look back, I do so with no desire to revisit the past. There is no wish to feel indifferent. 

Kratom saved my life. 

If you or someone you know is still struggling with addiction or thoughts of self harm, please reach out for help.

Suicide & Crisis Hotline- Call or text 988 or visit https://988lifeline.org/

Substance Abuse & Mental Health Services Administration- 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

or visit https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/helplines/national-helpline