I hate to be a “Debbie Downer” but I’m back for another installment of “What the actual fuck: current ramblings of a madwoman.”

 At the ripe YOUNG age of 41 or maybe I’m 42, not sure- I lost count. I cannot be the only one who forgets how old she is. When you have lived a life as I have, the years tend to bleed into one another and you lose track.

I have learned several lessons this time around on the old ball.  The biggest one being a snake will always be a snake. The only change is they get bigger. (Yes, I am referring to people, not the reptile.) Being around them makes staying sober a whole lot harder. Because I know full well that it would only take 1 bag to make me not care nearly as much as the sober me does. However, we can’t do that. I have managed to get this far without the needle, I can make it till the end of this dang journey (life). That is all it takes, a simple choice.  Just the decision that you won’t use again. Easy? Right! It really is that easy. The hard part is caring, feeling, hell even sleeping is a challenge these days. So here I sit sober wondering why life keeps kicking me in the ass. Why does it seem like no matter where I am there’s always a snake in the grass? These days I must be living my karmic payback from all the horrible shit I have done in my past. All the people I hurt, the chaos I created. I did the crime; I must do the time.  MUST REMAIN SOBER! My mantra for the past wee-. MUST REMAIN SOBER!  When something is out of your control (other people) all you can do is go with the flow. Slap a smile on in public, and cry in solitude. That’s how I deal with these twists and turns I found on my merry-go-round of life. Can’t show weakness, you just have to bottle it up, hold your head high and go make a therapist appointment. When I was using, I would people watch and wonder how they were just raw-doggin life. No drugs, no alcohol, no RX. It was baffling to me, doesn’t even seem possible. Here I sit as close to “raw doggin” life as I’ll ever get. Truly living the nightmare, I mean the dream, living the DREAM. 

I will say a big difference that does have an impact is I actually have good people in my corner. 10 years ago, my corner was empty, I had no one. Now, my inbox is full, my phone goes off constantly. When I disappear for a day, I end up with dozens of messages from friends checking in on me. They have kept me from leaping off the proverbial wall. I guess friends really are important. The “payback” time won’t last forever. We just have to buckle up and pay our dues. To be honest, I truly deserve a lot worse than what I’m handed now. Maybe one day I will be able to go into detail on this shit show, but for now, I must let lawyers do their thing. Until next time, (unless I get fired) Rodzilla out!