I spent most of my life surrounded by demons, monsters at every turn. I could never understand why, why did I attract these terrible people. Pretty sure they sensed my weakness. Spending years running and hiding from those demons, I eventually became a monster myself. If you can’t beat them, join them right. Wrong, I was a horrible person, I treated men as they were nothing. The ones that I genuinely cared about became my victim. I know, it makes no sense. To me, it made more sense to act as monsters do than to be kind and be abused by them. I had been hurt so much that I saw all humans as monsters. Until I was forced into self-reflection (prison) sitting in a cell with nothing to do other than reminiscing on my past and present. I could not control my addictions, couldn’t control my actions either. In fact, they were controlling me. I was left with 1 option. If I wanted to change my circumstances, I had to change myself. I had to do a 180. Theres no way I was able to do it through sheer will, I NEEDED something greater than myself. For those who have spent time in rehab, you know what I am talking about. Rehabs beat that sentiment into their patients. A power higher than yourself. It is true. I was CLEARLY out of control. Had no power to change. This is where God found me, picked me up, enlightened me, and sent me on my journey to fix what I had broken (Hell, to fix what I had smashed to tiny pieces and lit on fire). I had to give up steering the wheel, hand it over to God and have faith that he would guide me in the right direction. He did. He directed me right to the kratom community. Not any kratom community, but the Cory’s community. The thing about men like Cory is they may attract crazy, but they scare away the crazy monsters. So, you are just left with “nice crazies”. That is where I felt accepted, loved, and cared about. A place where I knew no one would hurt me again. That is the place I was able to call home and truly mean it. I may not be as close with Cory as I once was because life has kicked up a notch for us both, but one thing I do know is he will always have my back, and I will always have his. Something that was lacking in my life. (Ok enough ass kissing for now)

Being in the kratom community opened doorways that I did not really expect, the natural world of remedies. I, as a chronically ill person, relied heavily on lab created medications for an exceptionally long time. The ones that keep you sick, nothing that helps heal you. But, in the natural world, these herbs, botanicals, foods can heal you. I sound like an idiot, but it was new to me. I used to scoff at the idea of plants healing me, I was far too sick to be healed by a plant. That is just ridiculous. Wrong, wrong again. Natural living and raw diet have absolutely sent me on a path to health. I feel better now as a 42-year-old woman than I did in my 20s. 

Next installment I will dig into my ailments and the things that have helped me. See ya next time. Thank you for reading.