They say, “what doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger”.

What if it doesn’t make you stronger? What if it weakens you. What if it brings you to the point of sleepless nights, recurring nightmares? What if it makes you paranoid and terrified? What if you become neurotic, and anxious? What then; are we still expected to walk through this world acting as if we have our shit together? We still need to smile, and banter. We still have to go to work and do our duties as a citizen. As our minds are being ripped apart every second of every day. What does a person in such a weakened state supposed to do to get through the everyday hustle?

I will tell you what I did, I drank, and drank, and drank till I blacked out. Most nights I would use cocaine just so I can continue to drink. The bottle became my escape. Now mind you, I was a child. It started at the ripe old age of 15 years old. That opened the doorway straight to the pit of hell. But, in the moment, it took me from reality, it healed those bruises left on my soul, and it scotch taped my heart back together just enough so I could continue as if I was A ‘okay. No one to talk to, no shoulder to cry on, just me and booze. My drinking binges last for about a year. When I met my now, ex husband it changed and I stopped drinking. He didn’t like it so I had no choice. I was 16 years old, he was 28. Yep, here’s yet another terrible choice I made that did nothing but bring so much more pain than I could’ve ever imagine ( details in next blog). 

I often think that I was just meant to suffer. I just couldn’t stop taking the destructive path. To those who read my blog that identify with these words I write, I am so sorry you have endured so much pain. I promise you there is a light at the end of the tunnel. For a long time, I thought that light was just a train speeding down the tracks to hit me and finally take me out. That train never came, no matter how much I wanted it to. We do survive, stronger? Perhaps.