Up till this point, my experience on this planet had been doom and gloom. During that time in my life, there was very little light. Not too many glowing memories I could share with others or even remind myself of. In fact, those moments led me down a dark and twisted road. My childhood, my “daddy issues”, abusive husband, coupled with my plethora of mental ailments, was a recipe for disaster. (Enter alcohol) 

During my teenage years, my best friends were MD 20/20 and Boones Farm; of course those were all the rage back then and very easy to get. Drinking and being a very fluent stoner pretty much meant education was out of the question, and there was little to no interest in finishing school. So, with moms’ approval, I dropped out at 16. Of course, it was an easy decision on her behalf because I spent more time in suspension than I did in classrooms. I was in a fight every other week. I got tired of the bullies, tired of rumors and started swinging. Would I do things differently now? Knowing what I know, YES of course. But that’s the thing with life, there are no do-overs. We get ONE chance to live each day, we have to make good choices while we can. If we don’t, we certainly pay the price. The price for me was barely a high school education and a raging drug addiction.

 I married my 3^rd monster at 21. Yes, I dated him on and off for YEARS. He really had me convinced I was nothing but trash; that no one on this planet would possibly want me. I stayed with the mental abuse; I even married it. Once that marriage certificate was signed, it became A LOT worse. No longer just mental, but physical as well. I couldn’t take it anymore; I packed up and left after six months of marriage. That’s when I found my bestest (I know, not a word) friend ever, whiskey. That was my love for many, many years. All my problems seemed to dissolve once I reached the bottom of that bottle of Jack. No more tears to cry, no more burdens to bear, just peaceful blackouts where this world disappeared. 

After I got a divorce (only married for 6 months) I worked in a restaurant, started as a dishwasher and worked my way up to bar manager. Perfect position for a functioning alcoholic. Surrounded by all my “friends” Jack and Jim, Jameson and Mark. It was able to keep the sickness away effortlessly while I worked the 12-hour shifts. Sure, my speech was maybe a little slurred but I was still an effective boss. I still can’t believe I never got fired. Thank God I didn’t because I had a 2 year old son who depended on me. I still feel guilty of the things my son had to endure while I fought my demons. No matter how bad I seemed with alcohol, those monstrous moments will never compare to when I found opiates. Opiates consumed my soul. It was the darkest abyss you could ever imagine. The things I was capable of doing, the things I did, truly were what nightmares are made of. 

Come back for the next installment to meet my demons.