Here sits a mediocre player in this wacky little world we call reality. Attempting to write a blog that will captivate the audience (or at the very least, be read by 1 person). Never writing a blog before or having an audience in general, I took a day to research 1. What is a blog? 2. What blog is most popular? 3. What types of blogs are popular? Not surprised, I found “True crime” to be at the very top. Sorry to say no true crime here, unless we consider my personal shitshow a crime (not far off really) or even my sad attempt at blogging could also be a crime, a crime of pen and paper- a sad attempt at sounding smart and interesting.

Stephanie is the name, Fuckery is the game. Currently reaching 9 years off of the streets, after spending 20 years in them. My life is not one that should be glorified. I know its common practice to offer congratulatory comments to a recovering addict, however I see it much differently. I don’t want a cookie for finally becoming a decent person. Was it hard to get here? My god, YES. It was a battle I never thought I’d win. I Thought for sure my fight only ended when this body was turned to ash. Sure, enough, I was wrong. It is a battle that can be won, it’s a triumph that can be had by anyone willing to fight for it.

 I won’t sit behind this screen and pretend my life is rainbows and cute puppies (although I do my best to surround myself with puppies) because it’s not. It’s riddled with self-doubt, past traumas, PTSD and neurosis. Yeah, I know it sounds a tad like self-hatred, it’s not, if anything its my knowledge of self that allows me to see the reality that is being me “post-war”. That is the key to succeeding in recovery, it is knowing yourself. Truly deep driving into the dark and ugly spaces we all pretend don’t exist. Those of us who paint the pretty picture online for others to see, the fictious beautification of a messy life, typically stumble. Well, I did. Took me YEARS to find a way out of the hell that is addiction.  I battled each way alone. Never letting anyone be close enough to see my true self, never asking for a friend. That is until I met Cory. 

That is the moment my life changed, that is the moment I realized “hey maybe I’m not so bad”. See, many years back when I found myself addicted and sick from a specific mitragyna speciosa product from a single vendor (wasn’t a pure product) I was at a precipice, I was going back to the streets. Because if mitragyna speciosa turned on me, I was out of options. I’m a chronic pain sufferer who will never find a cure. Mitragyna speciosa was my crutch, it helped me come off of heroin and fentanyl and made my pain manageable but it was making me really sick.  Suboxone and methadone are not an option for me. I tried those and they were worse than heroin in my opinion. An old friend from high school told me about this little kava bar located in the mountains close to home, “Kava Korner”. He absolutely loved it there, but I, I don’t like going to places. I suffer with SEVERE social anxiety. I “bit the bullet” and CRAWLED into this quaint little kava bar. I was a disaster, juices coming out of every hole, hadn’t showered in days, shaking, I was just a MESS. 

One look at me and anyone could tell what was going on. One of the owners was there that day, Mary. She stopped what she was doing (and there was a full bar) and listened to my story as I tried to make sense with tears pouring down my face. I wouldn’t have blamed her if she had kicked me out, that’s just how bad I was. She saved my life that day. She pointed me in the new direction, gave me the mitragyna speciosa they were selling at the time, gave me a few pointers and told me to come back if it didn’t help. When what she really gave me was compassion, and a friend. I will never forget that day for as long as I have breath in my body.

 It was months before ever meeting Cory. But, once I did there was no turning back, I wouldn’t want to even if I could. Together we made a home, a virtual home (Leaf of Love on Facebook) where we offer exactly the same thing that Mary gave to me, compassion and friendship. Over the years we have helped thousands of people defeat their demons. We fight their personal battle right alongside them. Having a friend in life is crucial. For those like me the outcast, the black sheep, the ones who never fit in anywhere, oftentimes friendship is the hardest part. Finding the ability to trust another human is foreign but necessary. I won’t go on rambling to fill the pages, or take up anymore of your time. I’m not sure how long these “blogs” should be, but I do know that “too long” is a thing these days. So, I’m gonna stop here, maybe I will be back or maybe I will be fired, we shall see what the future holds. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read. In closing I will leave you with this. “A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you” – Elbert Hubbard