My 42^nd birthday is right around the corner. Although I don’t feel that old, I’m definitely not “put together” like most people my age. Hell, I still have no clue what I want to be when I grow up. (A friend once told me that when you start using hard drugs your brain pauses where it is. If that’s the case, my brain is paused at 12.) I’m sitting here reflecting on my life, and the most meaningful moments in it. That’s what my blog is supposed to be about right? It’s supposed to be human, personable, relatable, and hopeful. 

Most impactful moment: One step, One day, One HOPE.

The first moment I realized I needed help was quieter than I ever imagined, especially because it was during an arrest. You would think that would be dramatic, loud, traumatic. But it wasn’t. My first realization was in a concrete jail cell surrounded by sounds of yelling, fighting and banging. “How did I get here? What went wrong” staring at the bricks that surrounded me, counting them one by one. Each day folded into the next, dull and gray, until I could no longer tell what I was yearning for or why I felt so lost. 

I like to think everyone has a tipping point—a moment that quietly changes everything. Mine came not with a whisper, but a BANG. The judge slammed that gavel so fast I didn’t even realize what had happened. My life was over. I had abandoned my children, my husband, my mother all for heroin. The one constant thing that I thought I could never live without. I never had friends to confide in. No one to call on when life was heavy, no shoulder to cry on, no one to come run to my side, all I had was a spoon, a bag, and a needle. Those were my only “friends”. But now they too are gone, all I have is the sickness it left behind. I wish I could tell you I learned my lesson; wish I could say I stayed away. Upon my release it was the first thing on my mind. I stayed clean for quite some time till I had surgery. And BAM right back in the hole I went. Getting away is one thing, STAYING AWAY is a much bigger fight. A place where too many of us fall victim to. In rehab I heard so many times, “relapse is a part of recovery” fact is, It’s not. Relapse is a part of addiction. The sooner we come to terms with that, the quicker the healing can begin. Finding kratom when I did was a lifesaving moment, but I certainly NEEDED more than just kratom, I needed someone. Ended up in therapy, I slowly peeled back the layers I had built around myself. We talked about old wounds—grief that lingered, disappointments that festered, the pressure to be everything for everyone except myself, finally opened up about the monsters in my path. It was painful, but with every tear and every truth spoken aloud, the burden grew lighter. Pride is a stubborn thing.  Admitting I needed help felt like failure. Yet, as I opened up, I was met with compassion—not judgment. That’s hard to find these days, but apparently easier to find when you pay them for it. Recovery is a mosaic of small choices. You have to change daily routines. Pick up new habits like morning walks in the park, feeling the damp earth beneath my feet; learning to cook simple meals; practicing meditation, even if only for five minutes at a time. I clung to these habits not as cures, but as anchors—moments of presence in the storm.

Slowly, I discovered joy in unexpected places. Like observing a bee selecting your garden for pollination, witnessing animals at ease and secure in your care, or sharing genuine laughter with a friend, are all meaningful moments. While these instances may seem minor to some, they hold significant value for others and can offer transformative perspectives. After residing on this planet for over 4 decades I look back and see that I wasted more than half of my time trying to escape the reality I’ve lived. “mid-life crisis” holds a whole different meaning for me now. I now cherish every breath I take, every second I get to spend with those I truly love. Every tear I shed holds life in it.  I suppose I have rambled on long enough; you get the point. I was a mess on fire, now I am just a mess. In closing, take notice of the small things, it’s those pieces that create the big, beautiful picture that life really is. Life is a masterpiece you must appreciate every moment, even the dark ones. 

Love you all, thank you for reading my birthday blog. See you next time.