Point of no return as a mother in recovery.

Parents generally aspire for their children to experience greater opportunities and improved circumstances than they themselves had. Regardless of socioeconomic background, rich or poor or somewhere in the middle, it is common for parents to wish for a better future for their children. We prepare a path for them, outlining obstacles we have encountered. We share this information with them so they may use it as guidance. Ultimately it is their choice to implement the teachings. It’s now their path to walk. 

As a mother to 7 kids, I have done my very best to guide them. To show them how beautiful life can be. (Keep in mind I still have no idea what I am doing. Remember my last blog, I am essentially still a child myself.) As well as how dangerous and dark it can be at times.

Whether I have succeeded or failed as a mother is a judgement reserved for my children alone. Only those you’ve raised truly know the kind of parent you are—don’t let others define it. I have dedicated many years of effort and commitment to supporting their development. (Honestly, I wish I could borrow Dr. Brown’s time machine to go back 20 years.)  Every time one of my kids “stumbles” or makes a bad choice. I hold the blame, It’s my fault. “If only I hadn’t done that”, “if only I had more time”, “if I made better choices”, blah, blah, blah. I understand that I am not the only parent who experiences these challenging thoughts. While many parents may dwell on past events, it seems that those of us in recovery from addiction might encounter this tendency more frequently than others. We must forgive ourselves for our wrong doings, at least that’s what people tell me I am supposed to do. How do you forgive a person who has hurt someone you love more than life itself? It’s a conundrum, an answer that you can’t just find on Google. No help from chat GPT on that one. No this is a mystery of the soul. The point of no return comes once your children are grown, the damage has been done, no going back, no redo’s. You must find peace with what you have done. Acceptance of your humanity, the beautiful imperfect unbridled unedited version of yourself, who you are at your core, will give you closure. I have never found forgiveness for myself, but I have accepted myself, and that has brought peace into my life. 

To fellow parents who relate, remember: you are worthy of love and peace. Be resilient—the journey continues. Hold your head high, and stay strong, we haven’t passed the finish line just yet.

Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read my blogs. See you next time