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They say addicts use to try and fill something that the person is lacking internally. For me it was a pairing of trauma and loneliness. What trauma?  Lets dig into that for this installment of the “ Rodzilla Chronicles” WARNING: This IS VERY UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL!

At age 12 we left a little town in NJ that I considered home. Packed up only what can fit in a car and moved to PA. Just me, my mother and her boyfriend (whom I did not like or trust). Legal reasons, I won’t disclose here because that is not my story to tell, forced us out. Once in PA we lived with my maternal grandmother. She was not a kind sweet grandma, she was the opposite. It goes without saying, it wasn’t a peaceful household for the year we stayed. Constant fighting and bickering. New state, new school, New people, it was hell for 13 year old me. I couldn’t make friends in the place I grew up in. So, this was no different.  I did have 1 really good friend, my bestie (later on in life he actually becomes the father of my first born). Fast forward a year, my sister moves from NJ to PA and helps us get an apartment and finally move away from my grandmothers. Found a “not so nice” apartment in a “not so nice” neighborhood. Again, new school, new kids. But this time I decided to “recreate” my character. I decided that the smart, shy, sweet girl was what kept me lonely. No one liked that wallflower child. I start acting out, acting tough, started drinking and smoking pot. I was loud and outspoken, unkind, and uncaring. Low and behold the new me made friends rather fast. These “friends” were my neighbors. There was 5 of us in this little group. One of them had an older brother who I thought were so cool. He also lived with her. 

One night, I was coming home after drinking MD20/20 on the railroad tracks with a couple other kids from the school.  As I walk up the stoop I hear someone says “hey” I didn’t see him at first, it scared me, but none the less I walk over to see who it was. To my surprise it was my friends older brother (the one I thought was so cool, he was 20). I sat next to him on the step and started talking. It wasn’t anything special just normal pleasantries, how was your day type of stuff. Till he said to me, “I want to show you something, no one is home” That should’ve been a red flag but I’m 14 so I thought nothing of it. I regret walking in that house, had I just said, “no its late, I gotta get home”, I would’ve saved me from a lot of hurt. Pain that controlled me for a long time. That night my innocence was forcefully taken from me. Not just by him either, because his cousin was there as well. The physical pain was unreal, something I will never forget. The emotional and mental scars will never heal. I didn’t tell a soul, I couldn’t. Everyone knew him, he had so many friends and family members plus, his girlfriend terrified me. I pretended it never happened. I kept it bottled up inside me, as it ate away my soul. The cousin continued for a year till he moved away. For an entire year I let this demon defile the last bits of innocence I had left. He turned me into a soulless monster. That monster wasn’t easy to put down, it took me 20 years to silence it and tame it. The pain still lingers, I still have nightmares. However, now instead of turning to a bottle and a spoon I turn to God, friends (actual friends), and family. I found a way out of the anguish that consumed me. Sadly, that isn’t the only trauma I have gone through in my time here on Earth. I will cover that in my next one. 

This was a long one and for any who took the time to read it, I thank you. And to anyone who has experienced the same, I love you, and I see you. 

To be continued……